jheng's rainbow

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

beauty as a curse

would have more ~
I would have more ~
of life and all the pictures
in it...
I would know more ~
and more there is
to make, to show, to see
of it...
And yet I think,
it's far too late,
and this must be my curse ~
For youthful beauty
falls away,
and young men lose
their heartdreams to the hearse.

jheng blabbered @ 5:12:00 AM

Monday, September 04, 2006

MEASURED TIME

Due to some unavoidable circumstances, our account will soon be dissolved. And because of this, our company has to move people from our department and scatter them to other accounts. It is so sad that our tight batch had to undergo this fate and take calls separately. Lerie and I are still on Comms Bay. Honestly, we still don't know where we are headed or if we are gonna be transfered to another account as well. Gam is transferring to ICT. I suppose she'll start her training sometime next week. Will already filed his resignation so he's just rendering 15 days and he'll be leaving on the 16th going to Fortune Care's Marketing Department. The Divas, Bel, Anneli (as a workforce analyst) and Erik will be moving to Transfer Plus. The non-regularized people Khai, Arlyn, Ed, Awin, Susie and Dycen will be moving to People PC. Although we are still is one building, it's still hard to catch up on each other's lives unlike before. I don't wanna name names but I just hope what they did to our batch compensates the account's growth as what they've been telling us. The office will never be the same without them. I'm really sad. I'll surely miss everyone. I'll surely miss my friends.

How can we measure time?
In laughter?
There's been enough of that.
And tears,
sometimes too many.
Friendships lost and found;
battles fought and won.
So many directions
in one,
likes stars in a cloudless sky,
some dazzling
some blinking; waiting.
All mapping the path
from there
to here.
So how can we measure time?
In our own way,
when an ending
is a beginning.
And, when you look back
you will see the door is
open behind you,
in front of you.
Don't worry, I'm just there.
Still waiting for you.

jheng blabbered @ 4:15:00 AM

Saturday, September 02, 2006

HOW DO I SEE MYSELF 10 YRS FROM NOW

We've been on Communications Bay training for 5 days now and Rydez made us do an essay:

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. It is a fast-paced realm that one has to make the best out of. Yes it is short as it is time-bound. No one knows how long he or she will be staying on this world. But personally, I believe that everything you do while you still have the chance will matter when you leave this world and move on to perhaps the "other side". For 21 years, I had encountered many problems. Some made me weak, some strong. But because of those trials, I had become a wiser person. Wiser not only in the sense that I finished school with no failing marks whatsoever, but for the fact that I had overcome every hump on my way. Before, the only thing I was primarily concerned was to finish a schoolwork I have for the day. I only pushed through with my course because I have to. My mom has been telling me the importance of education not only as a mother, but also as a person who came from a family of educators. I never took any of her advises seriously because I was thinking that anyone who is a capable adult can find a decent job. I was wrong. I then realized how hard it is to earn your own money, especially in my country. I started making achievable plans for my future like being a lawyer. My first step is to study law after getting a stable job.

My favorite philosopher once said "Men generally judge with their eyes rather with their hand. For people always see what you appear to be and fewer can feel your real essence." And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. In a span of 10 years I want to be what to achieve all my dreams. 10 years from now, I perceive myself as a more responsible and disciplined woman. Running my own law firm and a top caliber criminal lawyer. A smart lawyer, yet one that has a personal style. I see myself having my own family. My primary role is to raise kids and provide a harmonious home for them. I picture myself making breakfast for my husband and kissing him before he goes to work. After a long day at the office, I will be the one to cook a sumptuous dinner for my family and after which help the children do their home works. I want to be in charge of decorating our home, making it a nice and cozy place to live in. I would still invite my friends for dinner and try to update events that had happened with our lives. I want my family, especially my mom to just sit back and relax at home and do nothing but to think of something to do.

I still see myself in a continuous learning process. Not only studying my client's cases, but also enriching my skills as a lawyer, mother, wife and as a whole person. A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up. Being a philosophy graduate, I know how wisdom plays an important part in one's entirety. Quoting from Aristotle, "the empty barrel always makes the greatest sound". I don't want to be an empty barrel. I want to die as a barrel almost full. I'll strive hard to enrich all my skills and try to share it with my family, my friends or anyone else who needs it.

All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers. But for me, I want to dream and fantasize about my life in a manner that I know is feasible. And the difference in dreaming and fantasizing in my own sense is if I dream, I will do everything to attain it. If I fantasize, I only make illusions. Illusions that I know could never come true. If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. I'm still too young and I haven't proven anyone yet. I do know my limits, but I will never stop trying to exceed them. And because of those dreams, I will someday become the person I dreamt about 10 years from today. Nobody gets to live life backward. I will just look ahead, that is where my future lies.

jheng blabbered @ 12:38:00 AM

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

MARRIAGE?

I was browsing the net the other day for some butterfly accessories coz I wanted to get a custom-made butterfly ring. Then I stumbled upon a number of sites selling band rings. Here's one of them

I don't know what came to me but my interest suddenly drove up to looking at a couple of them. After a million times of right clicking and saving those photos, I realized what the heck am I looking and saving these for? I don't have any plans of getting married now or even 5 years from now. Hell, I still have a lot of dreams I need to pursue (like being a lawyer..) that cannot be achievable if I tie the knot today. Sure I love Christian so much but as what elders say "ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kanin na pag isinubo at napaso ay pwedeng iluwa" or something to that effect. Honestly, I don't see myself as Christian's or any guy's wife right now. I do entertain the idea though, but not just now or anytime soon. Sometimes we talk about plans of settling together which is really nice coz I can see how sincere Christian is and I know he's the most responsible guy in the world. Reality check. Yeah I'm old enough for beer but too young for marriage yet. I tell that to my friends all the time (I even have that in my college yearbook as my self description) when they ask me about our plans.

I have lots of principles and philosophies regarding marriage. First, I don't think that the time couples spent together would still matter if you already tied the knot. Like what happened to Christian and his ex, they spent seven long years together but they still ended up separating due to some irreconcilable differences. They didn't marry but they had a baby though. Probably they're too young and immature then but according to him it was a mutual decision. Second, I disagree to the contrary belief that girls 25 above should start planning or even finding the right person to marry or commonly said as the "huling byahe". For me, even if I'm 39 as long as I'm 100% sure of the person I'll spend the rest of my life with, I wont care. Besides, I am the only person who can determine if I'm happy or not. Lastly, marriage is the triumph of hope over common sense. Even like in my case, my honey has a 6-year-old son. Who gives a damn about what other people might say? Whether you chose an uber perfect husband, people would still dig something to mock you. That's life in the Philippines. Sabi nga ni Kessa, di mabubuhay ang mga tao ng walang chismis. Hope is the only escape from the harsh reality of life. As long as the two of you gets along fine and both of you are capable adults I don't see any problems. Understanding is the key.

Wait. I'm losing it again. Unconsciously, I'm talking about marriage per se again. Christian would kill me if he reads this. Going back to what I was previously saying, I'm not yet ready. I have lots of hesitations right now probably because im still insecure about myself. Yes I have a job but not one that I see myself still being in 5 years from now. God I'm not making money enough for me, what more for a real family. Plus I'm not wifey material. I only know how to cook rice, anything "instant" (coffee, noodles, pancit canton et al), fried anything, boiled water (if that counts hehe!) but aside from that, the only thing sure fire I know about cooking is when I'm mom's little kitchen assistant. Another fact is my short patience. I take care of my baby cousin during weekends but I lose it when it starts throwing things during a tantrum or puke due to over eating. In short, I'm not yet a perfect candidate. My husband would return me to my mom if he finds out how vain, compulsive and immature I am. I want to face "Mr. Right" at the right place and time. And I'm pretty sure it's not today.

jheng blabbered @ 5:46:00 AM

Sunday, July 02, 2006

MISSING YOU

Its hard to feel really bad when you can't say it out loud to anyone. I'm pretty sure they'll either judge me instantly or blame me for my own makings. I'm so confused right now. I'm pretty sure I'm more than happy with my career and colleagues. And I perfectly understand my other duties aside from being a travel agent. I never neglected my role as a daughter, a friend, a sister and a girlfriend. Why are you the only one who can't see that?

Things change and i understand that people do as well. I can't change the fact that we have different priorities and responsibilities now. But all i wanted is to be included in that change. It's as if Im with a total stranger when were together. I hate feeling left out. Feeling so alien when im with you.

jheng blabbered @ 12:53:00 PM

Sunday, April 09, 2006

MUCH HAPPY NOW

After a friend's tragic loss, guilt trippings, inferiority complexes, mood swings, relationship battles and family problems, i can proudly say that im way happier now. My new job is great and im so enjoying my batchmates company. So far so good. The account is not so hard though its kinda technical. I was hitting metrics similar to regular agents during the past week! a big hell yeah to that! the batch is also planning a summer getaway at Laguna next Saturday. Can't wait for that to come.

Im really thankful to the people who were there during my down times. Yes all the scolding and sermons did work after all. I just hope everything would turn out better as my stay in my new work progresses. Im lovin my new life!

jheng blabbered @ 6:25:00 AM

Sunday, March 05, 2006

MY HAPPY HOUSE

Ning, though I wasn't able to be with you during your last moments, I'll forever cherish and look back on the days that we've been together. i'm sorry for the shortcomings and during those times I was stubborn enough to listen. You were always a friend to everyone and I thank you for that. I'm gonna miss you. I know we'll see each other again someday.

jheng blabbered @ 11:03:00 AM