these past few days, i've been feeling really depressed and lonely.. i don't know if this is part of PMS but i feel really bad about a lot of things..
FIRST DEPRESSION: EATING DISORDER 
i feel really bad about how i look at the moment.. yeah i know my hair had found the treatment that could tame it and it never looked this great.. but my heart bleeds everytime my friends and relatives tell me how fat i am at the moment.. i've never been this huge eversince i was a kid.. my waistline is slowly pumping up to
28 inches! (my normal waistline is 26).. i am not a big boned person so how fat i get shows very prominetly in my face.. actually im starting to think of taking weight loss pills or appetite depressing ones out of despair so i could finally put a stop to pigging out..
i think i already have an appetite disorder.. i've read about the symptoms of
binge eating disorder in
PATTY'S blog and i feel i have it coz most of the time, i eat unstopably til i get to the point where i already feel really bloated and almost about to puke.. i badly need to go to the gym but my mom told me to wait until after graduation.. i want to try taking fat burners or diet pills but
HON told me he would absolutely freak out if i get sick due to gobbling up unsafe meds.. i hate it when people tell it to my face that i dont look good anymore because of how big i got.. some even think im
pregnant because my weight shocks them.. it really makes me lose my confidence and feel disgusted.. when i think about eating too much, i firmly tell myself to control my food intakes.. but when food is in front of me, i just can't help but eat till i already feel bad and uneasy.. i guess all my self-discipline vanished after doing my thesis..
SECOND DEPRESSION: A REAL CHUM 
i am an outgoing person.. my week is never complete (even when i was still studying) without going to malls or even having coffee with my bf or with a friend.. i could say i get along with others well though few only know who the real
JHENG is.. but one thing is missing..
A BEST BESTFRIENDi envy other girls who has a bestfriend they could get along perfectly well all the time.. sure i have lots of people i could call my
"BESTFRIEND" that probably knows me and could ride with my insanities.. but most of them are guys (like
Lyndon, Boogie, Jayson and Blinkee) who could not understand a girl's shopping addiction.. i have one best friend (
MYLENE) who is always there to give an unbiased and evenhanded advise.. but she can't be with me all the time like how i perceive a bestfriend should be.. i have lots of friends and i cherish all of them but there is still this gap in my heart that only a real bestfriend could fill
i see other girls who has a friend who enjoys the same things she enjoys doing.. some even moves, speaks and dresses like the other.. some are neighbors that could crash into each others crib anytime they want and talk about anything under the sun.. some make time to bond with her girlfriend despite their busy schedules.. i continously hope i would find someone i could count on every single moment of my life..
THRID DEPRESSION: LIFE AFTER GRADUATION 
i wonder what lies ahead me after i march the final pace of my academic life.. i wanted to work after graduation but my mom wont let me work in a
Call Center.. she says it is a no-brainer that would only crash your ego because of some aggressive and inconsiderate customers.. (pardon my mom Call Center peeps!)
i have no plans of making that work my lifetime career.. all i wanted was to gain money for law school.. by the way, i haven't really made up my mind if i really want to study another difficult course.. i know i've shown everyone who pre-judged me about entering
PHILOSOHY who said that i cant go on with such difficult course how good i became after the course.. but this issue is not on the ego
per se.. its about what i really want.. im also planning to undergo a
POWER MEMORY seminar before entering law school.. at the same time, this is the perfect time to think things over and figure out what i honestly desire
im so depressed right now.. my mind thinks about a lot of things every minute and believe me its not fun.. call it paranoia or mood.. but this is really not amusing.. i just hope HON would still love me for me..
jheng
blabbered @ 10:42:00 PM
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